Tulips Under Pillows

Non-sequitur sticks

FS: I put tulips under all the pillows, and then I set fire to the house.

I put tulips under all the pillows, and then I set fire to the house.

“Amy, that will teach you to chose him”, I mumbled.

The smell of smoke was beginning to cling to my skin. If I didn’t leave now, I’d soon smell like a bonfire. And that would be a dead giveaway where I’d been tonight. I’m sure the cops are going to come question me anyway. I’ve been having a rough time since she broke up with me and have been acting a little out of character. It’s Amy stupid fault that I had to burn the house down.

NS #1: I cheated on my spouse. And it wasn’t the first time.

My marriage was crap. It had been for years. We were so cliche; High school quarterback and head cheerleader. That happily ever ended after Miss. Head Cheerleader became Mrs. I’m Fat And Lazy. I cheated on my spouse. And it wasn’t the first time. Or the fifth. We’d been married for 15 years and I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d started out using good old Craigslist to get some action and then I met Amy…. She was a barista at the trendy coffee shop near my office.

NS #2: She may be young, but she’s not stupid.

She had fiery red hair, big blue eyes, and legs for days. She was putty in my hand, all flirting and low-cut shirts until she saw my dull gold wedding ring.

“I’m getting a divorce but feel like I should keep wearing the ring until it’s finalized.”

She chewed on her bottom lip and didn’t make eye contact. “Oh. Understandable I guess.” She may be young, but she’s not stupid. My idiotic move of not removing my ring changed Amy’s entire demeanor. I was still married, thus off limits.

NS #3: Margaret had this habit of spitting. It began to get on my nerves.

After Amy had given me the cold shoulder, I didn’t even bother going into work. I went home and came face to face with my dear stupid cow of a wife. Margaret had this habit of spitting. It began to get on my nerves.

She spits in the kitchen sink before walking over to me. “Why are you home so early?” She had little orange tinted drops of spit clinging to her chin. A perfect match to the Cheetos dust that powdered the top of her oversized gray t-shirt. If she and her richer than God family hadn’t entrapped me forever with a prenup, I’d have been gone years ago.

LS: the thing she did to the breaks on the Honda

Then I began to formulate a plan. I’d kill Margret and then I’d get to be with Amy and still have piles and piles of money. Poison was out, too obvious. Shooting and stabbing; too many clues. And accident though. Margaret had taken her Honda to the shop a week ago, claiming the brakes needed to be checked when I knew for a fact they were fine. What are the chances that a few weeks later, her break lines completely fail? Oh yes. What a fine plan.

Three weeks later, I walked into Amy’s coffee shop. She is all over me again. I was a widower. I walked in toward the counter as some turd carrying a bunch of tulips wrapped his arms around her and handed her the bouquet. I’d killed my wife for her and she went and found somebody else! Oh, Amy was going to pay.

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