John Cheats & Drink Champagne

Non-sequitur Sticks

FS: The only way John could pass the exam was by cheating.

The only way John could pass the exam was by cheating. Last month John was an exemplary student. Then it happened. She broke up with him. Two years down the drain. He spent most of his time with the three wise men. Jim, Jack, and Jose helped him numb the pain but they also impeded his study habits. Unless he had a friend in the class to give him the notes, he had no idea what the lessons had been about. He knew he had to get it together but knowing and doing are two separate things. Feeling things sucked. That might make him a coward but in John’s opinion walking around in a fog was a hell of a lot better than feeling like his heart had been ripped out of his butt.

NS #1: We’re drinking champagne and losing our shirts.

John and his abused liver made it through the another week. Now he had to manage to survive the weekend. And this weekend was going to be a living nightmare. John had to walk down the aisle with her. Their best friends were getting married; John was the best man and she was the maid of honor.

John and his wingman for the night, good old Jack Daniels, stumbled into the rehearsal dinner. Somehow he’d managed to survive the actual rehearsal in an almost sober state. John was impressed with himself for keeping it together once his arm wrapped around hers. As always, she smelled like vanilla and sunshine.

Blocking out any further thoughts of her, he pressed his lips against the mouth of the flask and poured a mouthful down his numb throat. John was surprised at how far back he had to tip his flask to get a drink. Hadn’t it been full half an hour ago? His vision and memory began to clear up right as the champagne was being brought to the table for the toast. John took three glasses for himself and slinked toward the back of the room. Turns out, the dark corner he had been eyeing was already occupied. The ugly bridesmaid (you know there is always one at every wedding) was hiding in the shadows, also armed with multiple glasses of bubbly alcohol. John didn’t remember much of the evening after that. The last thing he could recall was that they were drinking champagne and losing their shirts.

NS #2: He was skating on thin ice – that’s all I can say.

John was the only one who had no recollection of his escapades at the rehearsal dinner. Most of the other guests had spent hours rehashing the disturbing scene that had taken place in the outdoor fountain. John and the ugly bridesmaid had stripped naked in the dark corner. They then decided that taking a swim was the obvious thing to do. Unfortunately for them, it didn’t end there. Naked. Check. Water. Check. Loud, awkward, public sex was always the next thing on that list, right? Most sober people would have said hell no but a drunk heartbroken John thought it was an excellent idea. It was so excellent in fact that it made it onto YouTube and was one of the top viewed videos. You’d think people would be impressed but no, they weren’t. Instead, he heard voices of disapproval and the loudest was screaming, “He is skating on thin ice – that’s all I can say!”. It was the bellowing tone of his best friend, the groom. John was informed in a harsh manner that he had to get his shit straight or he was out of the wedding.

LS: the time Fred went to the car wash and never came back

Being kicked out of the wedding wasn’t the worst thing that could happen. It was a smart choice on his part. His best friend’s family had ties to the mob. More than once he’d been told about the time Fred went to the car wash and never came back.

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